Luck & Bad Days

So, today was not a great day. Ended up having to pull dates for the dairy most of the day because it wasn't getting done. Sometimes I feel like I go 3 steps forward & 20 steps back. And lately at work it seems all back & no forward.

What do you do though? I just keep remembering that I have a greater purpose in life than doing the crap I do now. Hopefully soon I'll start school & be able to achieve that greater purpose in life. And days like today make me miss Bob even more. I just need to see his face & cry on his shoulder cause I had a bad day. When he was here I could always do that and he was always there to help me through it. But now to me I feel like he has more important things to worry about than my bad days.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like he ignores me, but I feel like since he's gone I shouldn't bother him with such petty things because he has an important mission to do that his head needs to be in the right place all the time.

What can I say except that Bob is my rock? And now my rock is in Texas instead of right next to me, so now I have sand or mud next to me & I feel like I am sinking sometimes. I haven't sunk all the way to crying yet like last time, but I do know it sits in the back of my mind.

When am I going to lose it, when am I going to be the basket case? When are the kids going to break? When am I gonna say I can't do this anymore, I am not as strong as everyone thinks I am. I keep waiting for the day, but it never comes so I keep my head above water and wait for the life preserver, but then it never comes.

Then I find out that the last time I could see him before Afghanistan comes, I can't go because it is inventory at work. Now what does that figure? Just my luck. And then I have the day I had and it makes hard not to say "Take this job and shove it." But I need it for my sanity at the moment, whatever sanity that might be.

Still Going

Life is still rolling along & now it seems we are back into a some what normal pattern, well as normal as deployment can be. I'm back to work, let me tell you how fun that has been. Nothing seems to change in Wal~Mart world anymore unless it just gets worse. I was very happy to see the people I work with because I have a lot of people who are there to help pick me up when I'm down & make me laugh or give me that hug that I so need sometimes.

But, I really miss being at home with the boys. They light up my day even when all they do is fight. I am not sure what I'd do without them. Christian has really taken on the role of an adult. He has been extremely responsible. Ryan is still Ryan. He likes to fight with Caiman just to fight I think. Caiman has had it the hardest. But he is being a trooper, just like his daddy. Robert seems to be doing okay although he's too far away for me to look him in the eye all the time to see for sure. As for me, I have my moments. Night time is hard, after all the boys go to sleep & it's quiet I long to hear his breathing next too me. And as for sleep, not sure what an interrupted night is like. I thought that would be last night, but I forgot to turn the alarm off. Four o'clock on a non work day SUCKS!!!!

I will say the doctor gave me ambien & last weekend I passed out after thinking the boys were in bed & asleep, but not really I guess & they had fun seeing if they could wake mom up with flashlights. I guess I was out. So, now I wait til they are good & asleep before that pill goes down. Lesson learned when they admit to staying up til one in the morning & you have no clue but are only 30 feet away. LOL.

Soccer practice also started this week. Ryan is practicing hard every night and Caiman is playing with his "twin" Brenna. They are having a great time. So the busy season is upon us & for the Dowell Clan that is probably the best thing. Well enough for now, keep checking for news. Lots of love to all.

Kimy

Skype

So we had a mini chat with Robert via Skype tonight. Hopefully gonna have a longer one later. It was really good to see him, it's hard to believe he's been gone 11 days & it's the first time we've seen him. The boys were really excited to see him. I thought Caiman was gonna jump through the screen, he was so excited. It is hard to believe that you can communicate with someone and see them at the same time when they are so far away.

Got a few bugs to work out, but it was sure good to see him & know that we will be able to see him when he starts his next part of his adventure. He'll be half a world away & we'll still be able to see him sometimes. YEAH!!!!!

Soccer starts today for Ryan & tomorrow for Caiman so it is off to practice I start going. This is all for now I'll write more later about the way my first day back felt at work.

Probable Assignment

How do you tell a soldier whose life revolves around flying that you are relieved that he might be in a place where he won't fly as much? I can't do that even though that's what I feel. I can't because I know that my soldier, my love, my soul mate, truly loves what he does and he is good at it.

But, they need him for something else & that hurts him because he can't be good at both things at the same time. One will have to come before the other & with that sacrifice comes something that he doesn't want.

I wish I could tell the powers at be that they are making a mistake, I wish I could tell the powers at be that they need to readjust & rethink, but unfortunately I am just the army wife. I see them use him for every need that needs filled but never reward him for the job well done. It just seems like they keep dishing it out & he takes it & takes it. When is enough enough.

This is my only way to vent & share my feelings. I want him to be happy because if he is doing what he loves then the time will go faster for him & us. But, as it looks now this deployment could be long & boring. I hope & pray for him that someone somewhere, and you know who you are, will see that this is the wrong decision & put him where he needs to be. Even if I want in my heart for him to stay, he needs to be in a place he can fly not struggle to fly.

Bob, I love you with all my heart & I know that we will make it through whatever they throw at you & me as long as we are together & we do it together. If all else fails, remember you are almost free and hopefully by then I'll be a teacher & there will truly be no worries for us & ours. I love you babe.

A Tuesday Like Any Other

So, it is Tuesday and Robert has been gone for 6 days today. And so far no major breakdowns with anyone. This time seems so much different then last time.

Took Caiman & Christian to the doctor yesterday & Christian has bronchitis and Caiman has a sinus infection again. Crazy!!!! My nephew Colton just got out of the hospital yesterday with pnuemonia. Poor thing, he's doing much better now too.

I don't know that I'm quite ready to go back to work on Monday, the time off has done me so much good. But never the less, it will be time. I do know that it will help keep me busy but I wish I could stay home with the boys all the time. It has been a real joy to be with them.

I just wish I could sleep better. I never sleep good any way but when he's gone it seems to be so much worse. I'll probably have to do something soon. Gonna start working out tomorrow I have a goal of losing 30 pounds while Robert is gone. We will see what happens. Gotta go love you all.

Ft. Hood, Texas

So, after a couple of hiccups on Saturday the flight crews made it to Ft. Hood, Texas. But since some of the guys had some things to do with the helicopters when they finally arrived where they needed to go, they didn't have a bed or a locker. My Bob was one of the lucky ones who didn't have a bed, figure the luck.

They finally figured out what to do so now he is gonna finally have some place to lay his precious head. The training starts and soon they will be on their way to Afghanistan.

I miss him a lot already but am trying really hard to keep it together. Last night the big boys got the king size air mattress out of the trailer and we had a huge campout in the living room. That was fun. Then today since we had sunshine for the first time in weeks, we went outside and did yard work. Can't fix the roof yet, but soon hopefully. I did get a huge sunburn so now I am trying to remain comfortable. Arms, chest, & back yeah!!!! That's what the sun & tank tops will get you. But, not much more to do out front & my house will actually look like someone lives here who cares. Kind of let it slide with all the rest that's been going on.

So, hopefully tomorrow we will be able to finish pulling out the front flower bed & weed the flower beds by the house then we will be hopefully done out front. Just maintaining after this. Thank goodness for Amy Ridley, she sprayed the front of my house & some in the back for weeds & it did wonders. It killed everything she sprayed and sterilized it so nothing will come back. Yeah, I don't have a weed farm this year.

Well, enough for today. Will post again soon take care all.

Well mother nature cooperated today & the flight crews headed out. It was a hard day. The first three helicopters left around 8 am and the last two left at 9:30 am. All five have made it to Grand Junction, Colorado. They will stay the night there then continue on their way to Texas.

I did good this time. Tried to keep it together when I hugged him goodbye & had to try really hard to keep it together while Caiman was having a very hard time watching daddy leave. He took this morning pretty hard.

He didn't want to leave the flight line at all, but Aunt Candy & I finally got him to come & we took him to McDonalds for breakfast. Then Uncle Curt gave him a newsprint end roll to make a huge poster calendar to count down the days until dad comes home. Today was 362, so since today is almost over we are gonna say 361 and a wake up.

I'm doing better than I thought. I miss him already but trying to help Caiman has taken my time and energy so that is a good thing.

The chiropractor helped Caiman out today as well he let him run the table when I was getting adjusted then Caiman got to talk to mom through a hole in the table. He was so cute sitting under the table talking to me. Then mom had some Mommy & me time & we went to lunch at Cinco De Mayo. Then when we got home the big boys helped him out while mom took a much needed nap. Early mornings suck especially two in a row.

The big boys didn't go this morning they said their goodbyes at home. But they are taking it much better than last time. I think we all are except for Caiman because he was a baby last time & now he remembers.

I just wanna pass on my thoughts & prayers to the rest of the families in the unit. We love you all & are here if you need us. God Speed Steelheads!!!!

Today was supposed to be the day that Robert & the rest of his unit were to leave for Texas, but as mother nature would have it that was not to happen. The ground crews left today, but not the flight crews.

So, here is how the day went. Early wake up (2:50 am, couldn't try to sleep anymore), then off to La Grande to pick up Candy at her house. That was 5:00 am. Left for Pendleton in Candy's van, got to Pendleton about 6:10 am. Watched it rain & watched the crews for the first chalk load the helicopters, then the waiting began. First we were delayed until nine, then delayed until eleven, then it was decided that the helicopters were not leaving today due to weather here and on their route for the day. But the flight crews were asked to stay to watch the rest of the unit leave on the bus.

That was a weird feeling watching all the families say goodbye and realizing that 5 years ago we put Robert on a bus to leave and this time we didn't put him on it, but watched it pull away with other soldiers on it. Watching the families made me remember how it was for us last time. Seeing the young soldiers who will be deploying for the first time take all the time they could possibly have & then still not wanting to let go of that loved one was touching. And I know how they felt I was there 5 years ago. This time seems different. I know he's going but I also know that this is like one of his long schools just a little longer. I am trying very hard not to lose it in front of him or the boys and today it seemed like everything is going to be okay. We will see how tomorrow goes though.

I wish all my thoughts and prayers to those families who had to say goodbye today. We are so proud of your loved ones & you for your sacrifices. 363 and a wake up thats all we have.

Final Days

Wednesday is fast approaching & boy I'm not excited. I really wish things could be different in our world today & wars wouldn't have to last ten+ years. So, we wouldn't have to keep sending our National Guard units to war. But, when you are married to a soldier that is who they are. They are there to serve whether they want to or not. My Robert is a true soldier. That is who he was when I met him 18 years ago in Tennessee when we were in the Navy & he is still that person today as a Staff Sergeant in the Oregon National Guard (recently promoted by the way). So yet again he must answer the call & go.

Today was a good day that followed a great night. We had dinner with Curt & Candy & Doug & Autumn & their families as a last goodbye for them to Robert. It was a very late night that ended early this morning. It was well needed for Robert because it truly makes him feel better about going when we have friends that truly are our families away from our own. Then today we went to the mountains to look for mushrooms & target shoot. Then we came home watched Wolfman & had a great dinner, one of Robert's favorites. So tommorrow he goes to work & Wednesday we say goodbye.

I know it is going to be hard and I know that I have to be strong, but there are times in the back of my mind that I want to say I can't do this anymore. But I know for Robert & the boys I must press on & keep the strength here at home.

The Countdown is Almost Over

Well 2 more days after today & then he leaves for Texas bright & early Wednesday morning. Yesterday was the deployment ceremony & I was so proud to see all those soldiers getting ready to head to the desert to do the job they signed up to do. These men & women sacrifice so much for us & I really believe & know that they severely underappreciated. The ceremony was great too because we had two families come to support Robert in his next deployment. Not truly family, but they are the closest to sisters as I will ever get. To Curt & Candy & their kids, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am not sure what I'd do without you through this deployment as well as last times. To Doug & Autumn & their kids, thank you also from the bottom of my heart. I am so glad you are closer to me for this deployment. I know that to both families my little Caiman is going to need both of your families to help ease his heart & keep him busy. I also know that Ryan is going to really need Doug & Curt this time. He truly looks up to both of you after his father & that means alot to me. I also know that Christian is just going to need all of us to support him in his senior year endeavors. This is a big year for him & I want to make sure that all of you are the biggest supporters of him next to us. Thanks for all you do for us I don't think I could make it without you.